Me

Im starting this blog to write down all the thoughts in my mind that keep me awake at night and leave me the feeling of regret, guilt, embarrassment, hatred etc. Ive heard somewhere that writing down your thoughts helps to tackle the problem, like and instant relief, and helps to make you feel better when you cant see any other way to do so.

From reading this blog, if anyone is, you will learn that I am a girl with a lot of self doubts, insecurities, low self confidence, and a high degree of self hatred. I have never been happy with my personality or my looks, for example I HATE my teeth. I hate that I didn't care that much about them when i was younger, and I hate that i didn't take better care of them. I am now in my 20's and left with a set of fully grown adult teeth that I'm embarrassed for people to see. I dread meeting new people because of my teeth. As soon as i talk to a new person the only thoughts running in my head are "he/she' is staring at my teeth", "he/she is grossed out by my teeth", "he/she is judging me because of my teeth". Now i don't actually know if these are the persons thoughts or if the person has even noticed my teeth because I don't know where people look when being talked to. I find it incredibly awkward looking people in the eyes, and I'm guessing due to my teeth insecurity, i stare at my conversation partners teeth and nowhere else. Do you guys look at peoples teeth when they're talking? Or are you able to look people in the eyes.

I often find myself isolating me due to the dread of meeting new people. Im currently at university and spend every day sitting by myself in my room. I have one friend, who I'm sure is only my friend cause we have all the same classes, but we don't see each other outside of class hours. When I am socialising i find is hard to start conversations or keep conversations boring. I often only reply with "yeahhhs" because i cant thing of anything else to say, and i can see people growing bored in my company and wanting to leave to talk to other. After a few drinks i become more chatty, but unfortunately this is when i also become more annoying.

I dont have anyone to blame for not having friends but myself. I had friends here at university and i either annoyed them so much they did want to know me any more, or i isolated myself so much that when i was in the company of those who i was friends with we had nothing to talk about. We grew awkward around each other and now i have not seen those people in 5 months. The only thing that makes me feel better about my friend situation is that i still have my life time friends at home, those who no matter how long we haven't seen each other in when we do meet up its as if nothing has changed. But sometimes i even worry that I'm ruining my friendship with them. My paranoia kicks in and I'm thinking "is that an excuse to ditch me" or "are they trying to distance themselves from me".

I guess my mind just doesn't want me to be too happy, it knows something will come along and crush any happiness that I've had making it all the worse. So perhaps my mind is just preparing me for the disappointment to come.